EDIT: I’ve moved into Uni – this post was written a week or two ago
I don’t have a good title, I don’t have a nice pin – it’s just me.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to say, I just want to get a few things off my chest.
Yes, I do consider myself recovered from anorexia but I still have moments where the voice is really strong and I have to keep choosing recovery.
I leave for uni in 10 days (as I’m writing this) and cooking is scaring me a bit – ok, a lot.
I’m really bad at portioning food. I just never really know how much is the right amount for a meal.
I remember telling my therapist this a couple of years back and he didn’t really believe me. I basically know the amount for a snack but I’m not very good at meals. And whilst having CBT, I did my own snacks but my mum cooked dinner so I never really got the chance to portion my own food. He told me that I would figure it out, but I never have.
A week or two ago, my sister and I cooked dinner. I told my parents what I was making and they did tell me that the protein aspect was missing but I just thought adding some grated cheese to the top would do. It obviously didn’t.
We made stuffed peppers with a savoury rice inside, grated cheese on the top and some lettuce and cucmber on the side (side dish was my sisters idea, not mine!) That was what I considered a meal to me, and it’s not as if the peppers were big. I just assumed that the pepper (and the mushrooms in the rice) was the veg, the rice was the carb and the cheese was the protein.
I hate that I’m still struggling with food.
So, I cooked the meal and ate but was left feeling SO hungry. This then led to me feeling guilty about being hungry even though I knew, at the back of my mind, that I hadn’t had enough to eat.
I tried to let myself eat something else, but I just couldn’t. I instantly fell back into the eating disorder cycle. I was so quiet, anxious and kept to myself all evening. I was really upset / disappointed in myself but I also couldn’t say anything outloud – that stupid voice wouldn’t let me.
Another thing that still really scares me is oil.
I don’t really know what to say about it, it just scares me.
I am so bad at opening new packets of food.
When I was having CBT, I ate a lot of toast because it was one of the only safe foods for me. One day, I had to open the packet of bread because no one else had and my mind stupidly made a big thing of it which meant that I couldn’t be the first to open the packet.
Now because opening a packet came a thing, so did finishing off a packet which meant that my eating suddenley got much worse as I had, not just the food to worry about but also, the packaging.
I would say that I’m more or less fine with the food inside but I just get so anxious when it comes to eating the last of something or opening something up.
Logically, I know it’s stupid. It makes no sense to not eat something – food is bought to eat, not to save.
Ok, that was about 2 weeks ago. Now, I’ve moved into uni and I’m feeling better. I’ve only been here for one night so I’m still worried about cooking. I’m really hoping that it will get better when there’s more people, but we’ll see.
Hopefully, my next update type thing will be more positive.
Best wishes, Cx